I’ve been wanting to share some news with you for a while now. I had hoped it would be happy news, but unfortunately it is not. I’ve been pregnant since November, and I recently found out that the baby has died. I’ll be giving birth soon to another dead baby, and afterward I’ll be seeking permanent or semi-permanent birth control options.
After losing my son, I had been hesitant to get pregnant again. But I thought that having a successful pregnancy would be healing for me and my family. I still think that, but I won’t be having any more babies. I seem to be struggling with secondary infertility, which is the inability to conceive or carry a baby to term after previously giving birth. Whatever it’s called, it sucks. My heart can’t take another loss, and due to my past trauma, my anxiety could hardly handle the pregnancy when it was going well.
My husband and I may choose to love and raise more children in the future via adoption, but we won’t be making that decision any time soon. Right now we need to heal, and I still need to do the work of giving birth.
These past posts have deviated quite a bit from my typical focus of sustainability, but I have always wanted to present a true view of life as a sustainable family, and this is something that will greatly affect our family for the foreseeable future.
There is no love without the risk of loss. I have loved, I have lost, and I have loved and lost. I’ll be saying goodbye to another baby in the physical world but never in my heart. Goodbye, sweet baby. I’ll love you forever.